My dog Charlie was sick. He was so sick I thought he was going to die. After hundreds of dollars for tests the vet finally came up with the idea that maybe he had hook worms. After being dewormed he was fine.
Then I was sick. I was so sick I thought I was going to die. After hundreds of dollars for tests I finally came up with the idea that maybe I had hook worms too. My doctor treats me like I’m in second grade and rightfully so as some times I act like I’m in second grade. My first doctor appointment went something like this;
(Doc) You can’t cry Tammy, we don’t cry about getting an anal exam. Just lay on your side and relax.
(Me) (Sobbing) But I can’t relax, I have monsters inside me!
(Doc) Do you see or feel worms at night? Sometimes they crawl out.
(Me) What in God’s name are you talking about? They crawl out of a person’s ass?!!!
(Doc) Yes or you may see them if you use the restroom in the night.
(Me) (Sobbing) No. I haven’t seen any worms and I’ll never sleep again.
(Doc) You’ll have to bring me back a stool sample.
(Me) (Sobbing) For real?! Cause I don’t want to do that.
(Doc) You need to stop crying. We don’t cry about poop Tammy! It’s not a big deal.
Well let me tell you, it WAS a big deal to me. As I walked out still crying with my stupid bio-hazard bag in hand it felt like everyone was looking at me. Like they all knew what was on my to-do list. I fought it, I convinced myself that I was never going to poop again but nature took its course and eventually I did my thing, in a plastic bucket with lines on the side. Then like a deranged, mad scientist I had to scoop out certain amounts and fill six vials. I cried again. One of the containers had to be frozen which of course totally freaked out the children who still swear they will never eat anything out of the freezer EVER again.
The next day I had to take my poop for a ride but because I had other things to do I had to do ‘poop drop off planning.’ When you’re driving around and poop is inside of you, you think nothing of it. But when you’re driving and the poop is outside of your body it’s a totally different story. It was sitting in my passenger seat tripled wrapped in Walmart bags so no one would know what I had. I just couldn’t focus with it in the car. Couldn’t get into any songs on the radio and just kept glancing over at it in disgust. I wore my sunglasses even though the sun wasn't out and I sped all the way to the doctor’s office.
Once inside I tried to pass it off to the receptionist. “I have a sample to drop off.” She backed slowly away from the chair and pointed to the door. It was like I had a bag full of Ebola. “You have to take it to the lab.” So I marched to the lab and had to have a seat because no one was in the lab. I set the poop beside me on the floor. People walking by gave me a half smile, even though it was triple wrapped in Walmart bags they still knew I had poop in the bag. I sat there for at least fifteen minutes getting more pissed by the minute. I figured the frozen poop was probably thawing out and that any minute the stench would fill the hallway. Finally a person walked into the lab and I quickly followed. “I have a sample to drop off.” I held up my bag. But the lab person wasn’t touching it either. “Just put it over there by the sink.”
I felt so relieved walking out of the doctor’s office. My offensive passenger was finally gone.
You have to sympathize with my husband as I go through things like this all the time. Six months ago I was convinced that I had a brain tumor that was causing my migraines. After all the major tests it was confirmed that my brain was just fine. Well, maybe not fine by some standards but definitely fine by medical standards.
I had to wait ten long, agonizing days for the results from the stool sample. The entire ten days I suffered with major stomach issues, I had myself totally convinced that I had worms. I clenched my butt cheeks tightly each night as I crawled into bed and I did so much research on Web MD and other sites that I can tell you anything you need to know about worms. I’m now an Internet professional on the subject.
Well thankfully I don’t have worms! I was happy to hear that but still concerned. I have all the symptoms for worms….what if they screwed the test up? If it isn’t worms it must be something much more serious. My doctor is done with me. D-O-N-E! After my last episode she won’t even deal with me. She’s sending me to a GI specialist. I haven’t decided if I’ll see the GI doctor yet as if a rectal exam and stool sample made me cry I’m sure the tests the GI doctor would do would have me begging for mercy. Maybe I’ll do a little research and figure out exactly what I have first, that way I can let the doctor know what to treat me for.
So this my friends, REALLY was a shitty day!